Nicknames

We have organically come up with some nicknames for Holden...

I often call her "little bitty", which Davis has translated into "witta bitty" and Bennett occasionally calls her "Princess". This weekend, though, Davis and I walked into Holden's room right after she had woken up from her nap, and he walked up to her bed, stuck his face up to hers, and so sweetly said "Hi wittle princie..."

It was about the cutest thing I've ever heard and so now we've all started calling her "little princie". Ha. It kills me how sweet he is to her. Every morning before school he has to give her a "hoag and a kiss." And he wants to really get his kiss right on her lips. She wiggles...so he waits and leans and strains his neck until he can land his kisser right on hers.

I am starting to see them as siblings rather than each of them being my kid. It's awesome.

Nicely Said...

Some people say things so well.

Trade in the Sling...

I read this article yesterday in the Huffington Post and cannot help but share it. See my commentary following the post:

By Nicola Kraus, via The Huffington Post.

Another weekend, another birthday party for my almost 3-year-old, another gathering of wall-eyed parents. The kids are now old enough to run off with loose supervision so we get to chat and inevitably, the conversation turns to restaurants and travel, the things we once took for granted. I'll mention a new place we've tried or a movie we've seen and every time, someone will say something to me with a level of wistfulness bordering on Chekhovian, "Oh, we'd love to be able to go out to eat, but our [insert name of 3-year-old] can't get to sleep without us. And by the time he finally goes down it's nine or nine-thirty and we're too tired to do anything. Then when he gets back in bed with us with the tossing and kicking us all night, well I usually end up sleeping on the floor or the couch. We know we should make him sleep in his own bed, but... " Then they shrug like, what can you do?
Um, Dr. Sears, I'm sorry, but that sounds like hell.
 
What happened to my generation? I did not see this level of masochism coming. I understand full well that we all had narcissistic parents, post-war babies of trauma victims who subsisted on rationed sugar and rationed affection. Our parents divorced en masse, were closeted if they were gay, left us to "find themselves" and smoked and drank -- not just through our gestations, but throughout our childhoods -- and this is just a quick snapshot of what pops into mind. It was awful -- I get it. But trying to keep your child in your bra is not the answer.



I read a great book when I was pregnant, Suzy Giordano's Twelve Hours Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old. (It was recommended by a well-rested friend.) She says it's our responsibility to teach our children many things. We of course expect to teach them to eat and sit up, walk, talk, say please and wait for the green light. But she says the very first thing we have to teach them, right out of the womb, is to self-soothe. That self-reliance and self-confidence needs to be rooted in the core of their being. That thrilled me. I want a daughter who believes that she has everything inside her to meet all of life's challenges and isn't waiting for some invisible hand to help her do something as simple as fall asleep.

I nursed her often and for hours, but I always put her to bed awake in her own room, and by 6 weeks, she was sleeping through the night. By 12 weeks, she was sleeping twelve hours. She loves her crib. To this day, I pop her in at 7:30 p.m. and kiss her goodnight. While I prep dinner, I listen to her on the monitor. Sometimes she just moves her animals around once and blacks out. Other nights she sings to them for awhile. Either way, I'm on with my evening so my husband and I can have a nice dinner together when he walks in the door. Babysitters love her because she's easy to put to bed.

In many ways I was lucky because I had been a nanny for so long. I knew the peanut phase was a blip and that the throwing-a-tantrum-in-the-Natural-History-Museum phase lasts much longer. I didn't need to hold her until she fell asleep because I was already prepping for the kayak trip on the Hudson I knew we'd one day take. I fully understood that life as a parent was only going to get harder when she got older, when she started walking, when she started taking her own diaper off and trying to play Bocce ball with her poop.

I also knew I didn't need to "prove" anything to her right out of the gate. What she will eventually remember is a few Halloween costumes I'm going to make years from now, baking Christmas cookies and, most importantly, if I show up at school events. If I am a force of yes in her life. And then she might like me if we eventually share the same politics and I don't, in a word, suck.

As I stand across from parents who sometimes spontaneously burst into tears they are so sleep-deprived and miserable, I am so grateful I knew to take the long view. And that really is the thing, Sears; I have yet to meet a parent of a child over 9 months old who isn't in some kind of agony trying to undo the attachment crap.

What happens at 9 months, you ask?

They start standing, holding onto the bars of the crib and screaming like banshees, at just the moment that the exhaustion finally seems to get the better of everyone. Nine months seems to be peak public crying time.

That also seems to be the moment that it dawns on a parent that there is no exit strategy. Sears' whole they'll-just-get-up-and-leave thing doesn't seem to be panning out. For the record, I've never heard of a kid who has.

Following that window, it's the marriages that really seem to fray -- some to the point of breaking. A recent divorcée said to me, "Well, of course, we never had sex anymore with the kids in the bed -- why couldn't he understand that?" Because I'm betting that was nowhere in your vows.

Another friend, who mainlines espresso all day to compensate for getting kicked in the back all night long, said to me no one has ever loved her like her son does. Unfortunately, she didn't marry him and his destiny (God willing) lies elsewhere. It's an unsustainable dynamic that leads to the kind of hellacious mother-in-law experiences we've all had. ("Why can't she let go?!") Hopefully she'll find some joy with her poor husband again -- her romantic runner-up.

So if you aren't a parent yet I leave you with this: Parenting is really fucking hard. So don't make it harder. Set your life up so it can be full of sleep, sex, movies, dining and travel, so that the marriage that produced the child is as healthy when that child trots off to the great world that awaits them as it was when you said, "I do."

Trade in the sling for a slingshot and think about the kid you want to shoot out into the world when you're no longer there.

So I don't know that I can say I agree with the term "detachment parenting" or that I don't indulge myself in an extra-long rocking/snuggle session when I am given the chance...but I can say that I am realizing that not all of the things women give up for their children, are truly gifts.

I believe, that setting your kids up to feel confident and capable, adventurous and brave, is the best gift you can give them...and you can't really do that when the example you've given them is giving up every piece of who you are, along the way.

My Favorite Part...

We had a great rainy weather weekend. Such a nice change from the heat...and a great weekend to lay low and rest as we all have had a bug. We did have to rally some energy on Saturday night for B & Courtney's couples shower, and then again on Sunday afternoon for a kid's birthday party. After attending said birthday party- I feel even more strongly that booze should be provided at all kids birthday parties- for the adults. We went to Austin Children's Museum and because of all the rain, it was a MAD.HOUSE.

Davis' favorite part of the weekend, though, was going to Mikki's house on Sunday morning. When I got there, I asked him what his favorite part of playing at Mikki's house was...he thought, and then pointed to Nikki and said, very seriously "This part." Smart kid.

Here are some pictures of Mikki coaching Davis in leading the Bennett family band. Also, Davis requested to take a bath in her giant tub. Thank you Mikki!

Nikki said he would work so hard to get the strap just right. That is the strap our dad would wear every time he played the guitar- which was a lot. I learned to play the guitar on my dad's guitar. I like that about myself. It's probably one of the only things I can really connect with...so it makes me happy to see Davis using some of his things as well.



 

Don't worry- that's not him peeing...
that's the water going in the tub. ;-)

Honey is My Honey

I was explaining (again) to Davis yesterday that Honey is my mommy. He thought about that for a minute, looked at me, and said very seriously and definitively: "Honey is my Honey." Well there you go.

This morning at drop off, one of his teachers told me that he is very into the potty at school, and he (the teacher) thinks he'll be one of the first to be out of diapers. I'm both excited and terrified about this. I guess this weekend we'll let him wear underwear so he can understand what happens when he pees in them. I think we'll be spending a lot of time in the bathroom as he is constantly needing to "check his bladder" these days. Also, Davis caused a poop-a-palooza at school Monday. They said they pretty much had to bathe him and the entire bathroom. Oops.

Also this morning, Bennett put pasta salad in Davis' lunch. He was kidding, right? Davis and I thought so. He said "Davis- I'm going to put pasta salad in your lunch..." and immediately Davis began to groan "I don't want patsa salad. I don't wike patsa salad." So I can bet you that that patsa salad is now residing in the garbage can at school. In fact, I give you a garbage can guarantee on that one.

Davis also says this to me a lot "Mommy say 'I spy a red mikki car'" or something of the sort so right when I say it he can say "I SEE IT! I'm the WINNER!!!" Setting himself up for success.

And oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot to mention that on Monday night I asked Bennett to coach me in a workout again (yes, I'm clearly crazy) and Davis was still awake. He was SO excited to exercise with me. We went out in the street in front of our house and in front of all my neighbors, Jesus, Mary, Joseph and everyone else, I did everything from sit ups and push ups with weights to pulling a tire while running up and down the street. And I think it was Davis' favorite part of this week. The JOY on his face is not even describable.

He thought it was so fun and so funny. He would do everything I did- but couldn't really understand on the sprints that he didn't need to hug/tackle me at each stop. His face was covered in a giant smile, his voice erupting in laughter, while his hair flopped with each step. It was priceless.

About halfway through he started to say "I'm tired. I need some choc-what milk..." but we finished nonetheless. I am thinking this is a great new way to get more workouts in when Bennett is home and while Davis is still awake. I bet we were a sight to see.

If you're wondering how the workouts worked out between Bennett and I, all in all, it was a pretty good experience. I did, at one point, have to remind him that "I volunteered for this. Just remember that." He gets a little carried away with the whistle and stop watch from time to time...but really he's a great trainer and as long as things go well, I'll continue to take advantage of it and work out with him and Ahmad. Speaking of Ahmad, I had to miss last week because I hurt my back. I go back tomorrow and Saturday...and I feel like I'm really getting stronger and tighter...but I'm not seeing too much progress in the weight department.

Going to keep trucking. Has to work eventually, right? I just want to feel good about myself. I don't even really care about a number...just need to be strong and healthy. Adios for now.

He Always Be Silly

You know that parent (usually a dad or an uncle) that is super loud and in your face, seems wacky and sort of fun, but mainly a little scary? Bennett is that guy for our friend, Porter. I think it started last year when Bennett painted his face pitch black with a white skeleton overlay for Halloween.

Anyway- the Ryans came over to our house on Friday and before they came, Carrie captured this little video of Porter talking about what he likes (and doesn't like) about Davis' house. Turn on your volume, click on the arrow and watch to the end. It's priceless.

The Perfect Weekend

Looks like:

 

Davis checking out his new nap mat. Just realized I was the only deadbeat mom at school that hadn't gotten her son a nap mat.

 

So I ordered one on etsy only to find out today that I got the super deluxe version (apparently) and it's quite an arrangement compared to the other kids in his class. Oops.

 

Lots of slobber, lots of cleavage.

 

 

Lots of crawling.

 

 

Boys BBQ'ing while I got my nails done and Holden took a good, long nap.

 

I can't get over our yard. Remember the "before" pictures? It's like heaven. Especially with this weather.

Where's Davis? What's he doing over there?

 



 

Just eating Lucky Charms.

 

 

Want one?

 

Lining them up on the fence.

 



 

As you can see, he eats all the charms out and leaves the rest.

 

 

This Green Egg has already paid for itself. It's amazing. Our house smells like an awesome BBQ joint like 24/7.

 

 

The fruits of their labor. RIBS.

 

And the perfect weekend sounds like:

"What are you doin, dad?" (Davis asks Bennett this 24/7)

 

Davis: "I want to get a star..."

Bennett: "For doing what?"

Davis: "For doing nothing..."

 

"I need to check my bladder."

 

Davis: "You sad mom?" (I was sitting quietly, watching him...)

Me: "Nope, I'm okay."

Davis: "You need anyfing, mom?"

 

"It's not nah-night, mom."

 

"I need some charms..."

"STOP BARFING AT MY FAMILY!" (Yelling at the little poodle on the other side of the fence, all while shaking his pointer finger)

"I don't want to wear a button shirt..." (Davis' response to Bennett and I beginning to try to explain Corky and B's upcoming wedding, how fun it's going to be, etc. I mentioned NOTHING about clothes...smart kid).